Starting up and getting shot down....

I've waited a year to start up IUIs again. Yesterday I went for my appointment to get my meds. and start injections only to find out that we can't do anything this cycle. I have a cyst on my right ovary now too and the doctor said ovaries are like real estate, so the spot is already taken up and there is no point in doing a round this month. My left ovary is occupied by a dermoid cyst and has been since I started treatment, so it's out of the running as usual. I am so disappointed. I cried and cried last night after work. I'm so low. Now I have to wait over another month (since my cycles are so stinking long!). I have been waiting to start things up again just to feel that we're trying with some, even the smallest amount of hope. Now I will fear every time that I might have a cyst come out of nowhere that will halt the whole thing. Hopefully it's gone next cycle, but I'm afraid what if it isn't. I can't wait forever!

Artsy Corner: To Brighten Your Day

Thanks, Noelle, for your encouragement on yesterday's post. That next comment labelled "anonymous" was from my husband. What a cutie. He saw me working on my blog and wanted to comment too. :)

Today I have something a little brighter to share. I was feeling crafty and decided to experiment with some flowers made of twisted scraps of fabric. Here is the result.

Another Year....31 Now

Well, I've done it. I've been a part of the blogging world for over a year now, although I haven't written as much as I'd like to. When I look back at my most recent posts, they are depressing and it's a wonder anyone wants to read them. Sorry. So, thanks to those that have stuck by me or joined me on my not so joyous journey of late. I've felt I don't have much to say other then depressing things and besides that, my job is my life right now, and due to confidentiality, I can't talk about that either.
To add to that, I have a confession to make, I'm no longer 30 and Patiently Waiting. Sadly, I'm 31 and Impatiently STILL Waiting (and Feeling Hopeless). 
I've hit a low time in my life again. I seem to get down in the winter months. When I feel depressed, I feel it stems back to my infertility and desperate desire to have children to call our own. We are considering starting fertility treatments up again as it's been about a year since we did our last IUI. However, I'm afraid I won't cope well with my stressful 3 weeks of the month live-in job plus the injectable hormones. I just really want to be trying again. We are going to make a few changes some within our job and I hope these will help me cope better with daily life and allow me to start fertility treatments again.
Thanks again to those who have stuck by me and commented on my posts. The changes that have occurred in our lives over these last 6 months have left me feeling more alone and more separated from friends and with feeling depressed, I'm not in the mood to reach out.

Another Announcement Out of the Blue

Regarding the planned visit mentioned in my last post. Despite the fact I didn't think I could deal, I ended up saying I would go meet her. It turned out that there was too much snow so she didn't think we could meet up. There you go, all of that stressing about it for nothing.
Yesterday morning I was briefly online and a friend started chatting with me. She ends up telling me she is pregnant again. Their first child is just over 1 year old. Of course this upset me. I was expecting another announcement today from someone else, which never really came out in the open. So this is announcement #3 within about one month. I can't take this anymore. I really can't.
We heard a talk about conflict's place in our lives. It's there. Life isn't going to be easy. I've just hoped too much and can't let myself hope anymore.

I don't have it in me...

I've been absent from the blogging world for a while again. Work has continued to be super stressful and exhausting. I hoped this new job would be less stressful than my old job -- what on earth was I thinking? It is so much more stressful and it feels like it puts us even further away from the pursuit of a baby.
I wondered a while ago if my friend was pregnant. I knew she was holding out on something and it turns out I'm right. However, I didn't find out about it straight from her! Another friend called me up to see how I was doing and if the first friend I had mentioned had called me. I had only spoken to this second friend a few days before so I thought it odd she had called back right away, because due to my work we don't talk that often. Anyhow, that day on the phone I couldn't straight out ask if the other friend was pregnant because I was dealing with a stressful situation at work, so I avoided asking. Then the next time we spoke, she asked again if my first friend had called. When I said, no, I flat out asked if the first friend was pregnant and it turns out she is. Then I got an email that night explaining that my friend was indeed pregnant. Not a phone call, but an email.
Of course it hurt. It hurt because we were supposed to have babies at the same stage. It hurt because I found out in a round about way instead of straight from her via the phone at least. I have sent a gift and card that said congrats because that was all I could do and an email. I couldn't call. I don't have the strength anymore. I used to be really tough and willing to do what was right, i.e. attend events for babies or young kids but since the last one year old birthday party I went to, I can't anymore. Everything I read says if you're infertile you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your heart so if you can't attend functions, so be it. However, I always chose to do what I know I should do.
To top if off, someone else I know who was struggling with infertility just told me she was pregnant. At least she contacted me to let me know before I found out through some other forum. While I'm truly glad for her, it still hurts, you know? It turns out both of these friends are due the same month.
I fear a third pregnancy update too. I think one is coming and I don't know how I can cope. Part of me just wants to stay inside and avoid these encounters and interactions.
I'm supposed to go and visit this first pregnant friend tomorrow. I almost told her I couldn't go, because I'm really not sure I can. I know it's the right thing to do and I always choose the "right thing to do," but I really DON'T want to this time. The years of infertility are scaring me for good, I'm afraid. I just don't have it in me --the energy or the hope to be able to deal.

Desperate Cries

I said to my husband yesterday in the midst of tears and heartbreak, "I just want a normal life." (I meant in reference to a family with our own biological children and have normal jobs.) He said, "Whose "normal" life do you want...?" and he proceeded to list lives of others we know who have had their own heartbreaks, although not on the infertility path. I know it's true, everyone has their own trials and hardships.
My new job has not filled the void I had hoped it would. At least it could add a soothing balm to the pain of infertility as in a way, I am a "mom" in my role in my new job, but most of the time it does not. My husband pointed out that it may make the longing more severe.
It just feels like the path of infertility will never end. I need hope.
I'm in the waiting period, not actively trying any medical route. Although now that I've been there a while, I wish I was actively pursing it, as miserable as all of the hormones were, at least I felt looked after, at least I felt as if we had a chance with treatment, at least I felt like I belonged somewhere, even if it was the infertility needle-poking club, at least I felt under the doctor's watchful eye. At least there was something physically to do like drive to countless doctor's appointments. I don't even feel like I belong in the infertility club anymore. I feel alone.
I'm afraid that even if we do get kids one day long down the road, I'll still feel alone. I'm afraid that I'll never share the experience of having children along side my good friends and siblings.
Because of my job change I even feel distant from the blogging world and a real-life infertile co-worker I used to work with.
Thanks for reading my desperate cries.

When can I be a real mom?

I'm feeling sad and lonely. Our jobs have at times made my heart feel full, but most of the time are REALLY stressful. Due to scheduling, I feel removed from the rest of our social life and am afraid of losing friends due to this long term.

This weekend I attended a friend's birthday party for her one year old. I was glad to go and more than happy to take pictures for her. What I didn't anticipate was that there would be like 10 other under two year olds and a few other kids and of course all of their "perfect" little mommies (and some dads). Everyone was really nice, but it was overwhelming. My husband and I first thought, oh no, this will be a long few hours of us -- the odd ones out -- surrounded by the mounds of happy little families. Thankfully, there was one other childless young couple. I hid behind my camera most of the time. It made me sad though. My heart aches. It's painfully obvious I'm not in the young mommies club and we still don't have our own family. It seems as if the hole might never be filled.

I'm holding onto the smallest crumbs of hope that this month might be the month, but I don't know why I put myself through it. It's just like any other month and I'll only be let down again. I walk around in fear that those close to me will announce they are pregnant or that people will hold it back from me. When can I be a real mom?