I said to my husband yesterday in the midst of tears and heartbreak, "I just want a normal life." (I meant in reference to a family with our own biological children and have normal jobs.) He said, "Whose "normal" life do you want...?" and he proceeded to list lives of others we know who have had their own heartbreaks, although not on the infertility path. I know it's true, everyone has their own trials and hardships.
My new job has not filled the void I had hoped it would. At least it could add a soothing balm to the pain of infertility as in a way, I am a "mom" in my role in my new job, but most of the time it does not. My husband pointed out that it may make the longing more severe.
It just feels like the path of infertility will never end. I need hope.
I'm in the waiting period, not actively trying any medical route. Although now that I've been there a while, I wish I was actively pursing it, as miserable as all of the hormones were, at least I felt looked after, at least I felt as if we had a chance with treatment, at least I felt like I belonged somewhere, even if it was the infertility needle-poking club, at least I felt under the doctor's watchful eye. At least there was something physically to do like drive to countless doctor's appointments. I don't even feel like I belong in the infertility club anymore. I feel alone.
I'm afraid that even if we do get kids one day long down the road, I'll still feel alone. I'm afraid that I'll never share the experience of having children along side my good friends and siblings.
Because of my job change I even feel distant from the blogging world and a real-life infertile co-worker I used to work with.
Thanks for reading my desperate cries.
