Adoption

I've seen this quote floating around online and I felt a little crafty today. I still need to frame it. :)

Do you want to get some kids?

After seeing the picture of a co-worker's grandchildren, on the computer in the middle of class, a primary aged child asked me, "Do you have any kids?" I replied, "No, I don't." The child immediately asked, "Do you want to get some [kids]?" I smiled at the question, but my heart ached. I thought, if only it was that easy to have a child! Oh, the innocense of children.
It turns out "having a child" isn't working for us and "getting one" sounds easier; however, it is not. Because of our physical move recently, we have switched from adoption to foster-to-adopt. Initially, when I had first started thinking about adoption, I thought that sounded ideal, but it wasn't available to us then. Now, having seen and experienced the "foster care system" through work, I am less sure of fostering-to-adopt. Switching to foster-to-adopt feels like another hurddle in our course. I'm so afraid of possibly losing a child that will eventaully be placed with us. I'm afraid of how taking the child to his/her family visits will affect me. And it just feels like even once we get a placement, we will have 2 more years of unknowns and possible hearbreaks. I thought blogging about this today might help me, but as I look past tears, I guess that's enough for today. Anyone who has foster-to-adopted have any advice? Hope? Encouragement on this path?
Thanks.

Waiting in too many ways...

Well, we left our jobs in late November and we sold our house and moved then too. We tried to de-stress and relax over the Christmas season with family. Later we then went on a cruise to really relax. (Which was wonderful!) Now we are continuing the job hunt. Not usually do both spouses quit and leave their job at once unless they already have something else planned (seems crazy!)...but due to the unique nature of the job we were in together, that's what we did. It feels like we've taken a hundred steps backward instead of forward. Our adoption process is basically complete and we're ready and waiting pretty much, except for the fact that all that is on hold due to not knowing where we will live and what jobs we will take. My husband has been offered a temporary job for about 6 months. We may take that for now just to put us in the area we want to live in. We're still deciding. While it has been nice to be off, it isn't under ideal circumstances. I want to be off with children. It feels like the time is somewhat wasted because I feel like I should be doing fertility treatments or adoption stuff or something useful...but everything is at a stand still until we decide where to live and find jobs! I am trying not to take the time forgranted and do things I want to do, like creative things (quilt, make necklaces, photography), but it is hard not to focus on what I don't have (a child, a job, a house, our close friends living locally, a sense of being settled somewhere, etc.) I need to quit trying to understand WHY God has us where he does right now and not be sorry for myself and just trust. It's hard. We've been trying for 5 years now.

Moving Ahead....Adoption Course & Homestudy Started

We have completed our first 2 home visits (out of 5) and the first 2 (out of 9) sessions of a course we have to take in order to be approved for adoption. This is exciting now that we're finally active in the process, rather than simply waiting until our names reached the top of the list for the course.
At the same time we have been having lots of stress related to our jobs. I would appreciate prayers for that situation.
Our house has sold. While I am sad, because when we bought this house, we had planned to raise a family here, it is also relieving to have the stressor of a house almost gone. However, this leaves lots of unknowns in our lives (which is also hard).
My work schedule has made it hard for me to keep updated on here and at times when I do have time, I feel I have nothing to share that isn't depressing. I miss you - my blog friends. Longing to connect with others out there.  

IUIs done

Well, we tried another two IUI cycles this year. The first one was negative and the second one got cancelled because my body wasn't responding properly and the folicle was growing very slowly and then started to shrink. I was very devestated because that was our last one we had agreed to try. I couldn't go back to work that day.
We are now taking the course we need to take in order to adopt, which is exciting...a new journey.

Another IUI on the Horizon...

I've got one follicle growing still and am due to have another IUI likely in a few days. We've taken  a year off since our last tries with follitropin injections. The emotional rollercoaster was too much. We did 3 IUIs in the past and one other cycle that failed. I want to be hopeful. It is is hard. My husband is trying to be extra hopeful these days.
Last Sunday, we were encouraged to write down something we knew we should give to God. I wrote down "my infertility". This is a constant battle for me as it constantly weighs on me and I need to learn to daily give it to God. I want to be okay with whatever He has for my future...but I want to have children so badly. How do I get to that place of being content no matter what happens in terms of my fertility? I trust God, but how do I TRUST GOD fully???

Starting up and getting shot down....

I've waited a year to start up IUIs again. Yesterday I went for my appointment to get my meds. and start injections only to find out that we can't do anything this cycle. I have a cyst on my right ovary now too and the doctor said ovaries are like real estate, so the spot is already taken up and there is no point in doing a round this month. My left ovary is occupied by a dermoid cyst and has been since I started treatment, so it's out of the running as usual. I am so disappointed. I cried and cried last night after work. I'm so low. Now I have to wait over another month (since my cycles are so stinking long!). I have been waiting to start things up again just to feel that we're trying with some, even the smallest amount of hope. Now I will fear every time that I might have a cyst come out of nowhere that will halt the whole thing. Hopefully it's gone next cycle, but I'm afraid what if it isn't. I can't wait forever!