On Mother's Day from an Infertile and Foster-Adoptive Parent

I am still here...

As I finally got into my blog again after losing my password (LOL), I read my last post from 2012 and laughed. I laughed not at what I'd written, but at the fact that God answered my heart's desire in so many ways, even in the most silly and simple yearnings.
[Child mentioned.]
We have a son who came to us through the foster-to-adopt process at just a little over a month old and we were able to adopt him before his second birthday. (That is the short version of the story.)
The comments we received when people from my past (who did not know we were fostering or adopting) would see us in public were, "He looks just like your side of the family!" For several months, he looked like he could have been a brother to my nephew at that age.
I know that ultimately, it doesn't matter whether he or any of our other future children look like us, but I just find it amazing to see the ways in which God answered my plea that show His fingerprints on our family. Here are a few:
My son's middle name when he came to use was my husband's name.
The meaning of my son's first name was a significant too response to our prayers too.
Partway through the foster-adopt process, I was given a keepsake box from his birth mother that contained his hospital crib card, ID bracelet, etc. I took one look at it and cried, knowing without a doubt that it was my mother's handwriting!!! My mother is a nurse at the hospital he was born at and would have seen him the day he was born (although none of us had any idea he existed and would eventually become our son). How many adopted children can tell that story?

I hope that if you are still in the process of dealing with infertility or the foster or adoption process that this gives you hope. God has plans for our lives that are far bigger than we can see, but He still cares about our heart's cries.

No Mini Versions of Us

I love photographs. I love taking them. I love seeing a shot and wishing I had my camera. I love admiring photographs that other people took. F.acebook is appealing to me because I love photos....so I enjoy looking at other people's family photos. It hit me today that it isn't just that I find it hard to see pictures of other people's kids. It's the fact that as I look at them I'm thinking things like, "Oh, he looks just like his dad." or "I can see both his parent in that one." It's the reminder that I won't be able to say that about my children. Our kids aren't going to have my smile, my husband's nose, or look just like one of us. It makes me sad. I'm sure once we adopt and hold our little one in our arms, that won't matter anymore, but right now looking at other's photos constantly reminds me of that fact.

Children's Books About Adoption

I got the children's adoption books I ordered the other day.
Here are my thoughts and a little bit of a summary of each:

A Blessing from Above By: Patti Henderson (A Little Golden Book) --> I absolutely love it! It's about a kangaroo with an empty pouch who prayed that her pouch would one day be filled. She notices other animals caring for their young. She catches a baby bird that fell from the nest. The mother bird realizes that she doesn't have enough room for them all in the nest and she is glad the baby bird is cared for.

A Mother for Choco By: Keiko Kasza (Picture Puffins) --> I love this one as well. It is about a lonely bird who is looking for a mother. Choco asks a variety of animals if they are his mother...and they all reply that they don't have a certain physical feature that Choco does. Choco cries and Mrs. Bear comes running and asks what a mother would do to help. Mrs. Bear does all these things (it's very sweet) and offers to be Choco's mother. Choco accepts and goes home with her to see that all her other children don't look like Mrs. Bear either (a pig, alligator, and a hippo). The illustrations are quite cute. :)

My Adopted Child, There's No One Like You By: Dr. Kevin Leman (Revell Books) --> This book is about a black and white panda bear who has to do a family tree as a school project. He is not excited about this task as he knows his family is different. His parents are brown bears, and he is a panda. His mother explains the day he was adopted. The book explictly talks about adoption and uses the word. She describes adoption as "the most loving thing someone can do." The book also talks about God making families. I'd say it is a wonderful book for children in about grade 2 or 3.

The Day We Met You By: Phoebe Koehler (Aladdin Picture Books) --> It is a very simple book which talks about the day the parents got the call. Then it goes through listing all the things they got ready (bought, borrowed, or were given) for the new baby. Then they go to get the baby and immediately knew they loved the baby.        

Finally, an announcement that didn't throw me for a loop!

I found out yesterday that an extended family member was having a c-section today. I didn't even know she was pregnant. Somehow people forgot to tell me. I think it was an honest mistake. It was the first pregnancy announcement in a while I didn't cry about. Anyhow, I am happy for her as these last few years have been extremely challenging for several reasons.
Today, I'm feeling pretty good. I started working out almost two weeks ago. I'm trying to make a real routine of it and it feels good. You have to know that this isn't me, so it's a pretty big step. Last week I went all 5 week days!
I am very eager to have a child placed with us. We painted the room for the baby (I hope!) last week. My Dad came and helped. He's wonderful! I also got some great baby garage sale finds. I want to enjoy the anticipation stage, which is hard because it depends on the day, but having a room and starting to get things makes it seem like the time is finally here and keeps me hopeful. Maybe this will come back to haunt me if we have to wait a really long time for a placement, but we'll see. Any advice from those who have walked the fostering/adoption route?
I went online and found a bunch of great "adoption" storybooks for children. I have ordered them and can't wait to get them. (I love children's books.)
I was even excited to use the crock-pot for supper tonight! Wow, I must be feeling well! :) Man, this post is really random.
I would love to connect with some more bloggers walking a similar path....infertility....fostering or adoption! Please leave me a message so I can check out your blog too. Thanks!     

Adoption

I've seen this quote floating around online and I felt a little crafty today. I still need to frame it. :)

Do you want to get some kids?

After seeing the picture of a co-worker's grandchildren, on the computer in the middle of class, a primary aged child asked me, "Do you have any kids?" I replied, "No, I don't." The child immediately asked, "Do you want to get some [kids]?" I smiled at the question, but my heart ached. I thought, if only it was that easy to have a child! Oh, the innocense of children.
It turns out "having a child" isn't working for us and "getting one" sounds easier; however, it is not. Because of our physical move recently, we have switched from adoption to foster-to-adopt. Initially, when I had first started thinking about adoption, I thought that sounded ideal, but it wasn't available to us then. Now, having seen and experienced the "foster care system" through work, I am less sure of fostering-to-adopt. Switching to foster-to-adopt feels like another hurddle in our course. I'm so afraid of possibly losing a child that will eventaully be placed with us. I'm afraid of how taking the child to his/her family visits will affect me. And it just feels like even once we get a placement, we will have 2 more years of unknowns and possible hearbreaks. I thought blogging about this today might help me, but as I look past tears, I guess that's enough for today. Anyone who has foster-to-adopted have any advice? Hope? Encouragement on this path?
Thanks.

Waiting in too many ways...

Well, we left our jobs in late November and we sold our house and moved then too. We tried to de-stress and relax over the Christmas season with family. Later we then went on a cruise to really relax. (Which was wonderful!) Now we are continuing the job hunt. Not usually do both spouses quit and leave their job at once unless they already have something else planned (seems crazy!)...but due to the unique nature of the job we were in together, that's what we did. It feels like we've taken a hundred steps backward instead of forward. Our adoption process is basically complete and we're ready and waiting pretty much, except for the fact that all that is on hold due to not knowing where we will live and what jobs we will take. My husband has been offered a temporary job for about 6 months. We may take that for now just to put us in the area we want to live in. We're still deciding. While it has been nice to be off, it isn't under ideal circumstances. I want to be off with children. It feels like the time is somewhat wasted because I feel like I should be doing fertility treatments or adoption stuff or something useful...but everything is at a stand still until we decide where to live and find jobs! I am trying not to take the time forgranted and do things I want to do, like creative things (quilt, make necklaces, photography), but it is hard not to focus on what I don't have (a child, a job, a house, our close friends living locally, a sense of being settled somewhere, etc.) I need to quit trying to understand WHY God has us where he does right now and not be sorry for myself and just trust. It's hard. We've been trying for 5 years now.

Moving Ahead....Adoption Course & Homestudy Started

We have completed our first 2 home visits (out of 5) and the first 2 (out of 9) sessions of a course we have to take in order to be approved for adoption. This is exciting now that we're finally active in the process, rather than simply waiting until our names reached the top of the list for the course.
At the same time we have been having lots of stress related to our jobs. I would appreciate prayers for that situation.
Our house has sold. While I am sad, because when we bought this house, we had planned to raise a family here, it is also relieving to have the stressor of a house almost gone. However, this leaves lots of unknowns in our lives (which is also hard).
My work schedule has made it hard for me to keep updated on here and at times when I do have time, I feel I have nothing to share that isn't depressing. I miss you - my blog friends. Longing to connect with others out there.  

IUIs done

Well, we tried another two IUI cycles this year. The first one was negative and the second one got cancelled because my body wasn't responding properly and the folicle was growing very slowly and then started to shrink. I was very devestated because that was our last one we had agreed to try. I couldn't go back to work that day.
We are now taking the course we need to take in order to adopt, which is exciting...a new journey.

Another IUI on the Horizon...

I've got one follicle growing still and am due to have another IUI likely in a few days. We've taken  a year off since our last tries with follitropin injections. The emotional rollercoaster was too much. We did 3 IUIs in the past and one other cycle that failed. I want to be hopeful. It is is hard. My husband is trying to be extra hopeful these days.
Last Sunday, we were encouraged to write down something we knew we should give to God. I wrote down "my infertility". This is a constant battle for me as it constantly weighs on me and I need to learn to daily give it to God. I want to be okay with whatever He has for my future...but I want to have children so badly. How do I get to that place of being content no matter what happens in terms of my fertility? I trust God, but how do I TRUST GOD fully???

Starting up and getting shot down....

I've waited a year to start up IUIs again. Yesterday I went for my appointment to get my meds. and start injections only to find out that we can't do anything this cycle. I have a cyst on my right ovary now too and the doctor said ovaries are like real estate, so the spot is already taken up and there is no point in doing a round this month. My left ovary is occupied by a dermoid cyst and has been since I started treatment, so it's out of the running as usual. I am so disappointed. I cried and cried last night after work. I'm so low. Now I have to wait over another month (since my cycles are so stinking long!). I have been waiting to start things up again just to feel that we're trying with some, even the smallest amount of hope. Now I will fear every time that I might have a cyst come out of nowhere that will halt the whole thing. Hopefully it's gone next cycle, but I'm afraid what if it isn't. I can't wait forever!

Artsy Corner: To Brighten Your Day

Thanks, Noelle, for your encouragement on yesterday's post. That next comment labelled "anonymous" was from my husband. What a cutie. He saw me working on my blog and wanted to comment too. :)

Today I have something a little brighter to share. I was feeling crafty and decided to experiment with some flowers made of twisted scraps of fabric. Here is the result.

Another Year....31 Now

Well, I've done it. I've been a part of the blogging world for over a year now, although I haven't written as much as I'd like to. When I look back at my most recent posts, they are depressing and it's a wonder anyone wants to read them. Sorry. So, thanks to those that have stuck by me or joined me on my not so joyous journey of late. I've felt I don't have much to say other then depressing things and besides that, my job is my life right now, and due to confidentiality, I can't talk about that either.
To add to that, I have a confession to make, I'm no longer 30 and Patiently Waiting. Sadly, I'm 31 and Impatiently STILL Waiting (and Feeling Hopeless). 
I've hit a low time in my life again. I seem to get down in the winter months. When I feel depressed, I feel it stems back to my infertility and desperate desire to have children to call our own. We are considering starting fertility treatments up again as it's been about a year since we did our last IUI. However, I'm afraid I won't cope well with my stressful 3 weeks of the month live-in job plus the injectable hormones. I just really want to be trying again. We are going to make a few changes some within our job and I hope these will help me cope better with daily life and allow me to start fertility treatments again.
Thanks again to those who have stuck by me and commented on my posts. The changes that have occurred in our lives over these last 6 months have left me feeling more alone and more separated from friends and with feeling depressed, I'm not in the mood to reach out.

Another Announcement Out of the Blue

Regarding the planned visit mentioned in my last post. Despite the fact I didn't think I could deal, I ended up saying I would go meet her. It turned out that there was too much snow so she didn't think we could meet up. There you go, all of that stressing about it for nothing.
Yesterday morning I was briefly online and a friend started chatting with me. She ends up telling me she is pregnant again. Their first child is just over 1 year old. Of course this upset me. I was expecting another announcement today from someone else, which never really came out in the open. So this is announcement #3 within about one month. I can't take this anymore. I really can't.
We heard a talk about conflict's place in our lives. It's there. Life isn't going to be easy. I've just hoped too much and can't let myself hope anymore.

I don't have it in me...

I've been absent from the blogging world for a while again. Work has continued to be super stressful and exhausting. I hoped this new job would be less stressful than my old job -- what on earth was I thinking? It is so much more stressful and it feels like it puts us even further away from the pursuit of a baby.
I wondered a while ago if my friend was pregnant. I knew she was holding out on something and it turns out I'm right. However, I didn't find out about it straight from her! Another friend called me up to see how I was doing and if the first friend I had mentioned had called me. I had only spoken to this second friend a few days before so I thought it odd she had called back right away, because due to my work we don't talk that often. Anyhow, that day on the phone I couldn't straight out ask if the other friend was pregnant because I was dealing with a stressful situation at work, so I avoided asking. Then the next time we spoke, she asked again if my first friend had called. When I said, no, I flat out asked if the first friend was pregnant and it turns out she is. Then I got an email that night explaining that my friend was indeed pregnant. Not a phone call, but an email.
Of course it hurt. It hurt because we were supposed to have babies at the same stage. It hurt because I found out in a round about way instead of straight from her via the phone at least. I have sent a gift and card that said congrats because that was all I could do and an email. I couldn't call. I don't have the strength anymore. I used to be really tough and willing to do what was right, i.e. attend events for babies or young kids but since the last one year old birthday party I went to, I can't anymore. Everything I read says if you're infertile you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your heart so if you can't attend functions, so be it. However, I always chose to do what I know I should do.
To top if off, someone else I know who was struggling with infertility just told me she was pregnant. At least she contacted me to let me know before I found out through some other forum. While I'm truly glad for her, it still hurts, you know? It turns out both of these friends are due the same month.
I fear a third pregnancy update too. I think one is coming and I don't know how I can cope. Part of me just wants to stay inside and avoid these encounters and interactions.
I'm supposed to go and visit this first pregnant friend tomorrow. I almost told her I couldn't go, because I'm really not sure I can. I know it's the right thing to do and I always choose the "right thing to do," but I really DON'T want to this time. The years of infertility are scaring me for good, I'm afraid. I just don't have it in me --the energy or the hope to be able to deal.

Desperate Cries

I said to my husband yesterday in the midst of tears and heartbreak, "I just want a normal life." (I meant in reference to a family with our own biological children and have normal jobs.) He said, "Whose "normal" life do you want...?" and he proceeded to list lives of others we know who have had their own heartbreaks, although not on the infertility path. I know it's true, everyone has their own trials and hardships.
My new job has not filled the void I had hoped it would. At least it could add a soothing balm to the pain of infertility as in a way, I am a "mom" in my role in my new job, but most of the time it does not. My husband pointed out that it may make the longing more severe.
It just feels like the path of infertility will never end. I need hope.
I'm in the waiting period, not actively trying any medical route. Although now that I've been there a while, I wish I was actively pursing it, as miserable as all of the hormones were, at least I felt looked after, at least I felt as if we had a chance with treatment, at least I felt like I belonged somewhere, even if it was the infertility needle-poking club, at least I felt under the doctor's watchful eye. At least there was something physically to do like drive to countless doctor's appointments. I don't even feel like I belong in the infertility club anymore. I feel alone.
I'm afraid that even if we do get kids one day long down the road, I'll still feel alone. I'm afraid that I'll never share the experience of having children along side my good friends and siblings.
Because of my job change I even feel distant from the blogging world and a real-life infertile co-worker I used to work with.
Thanks for reading my desperate cries.

When can I be a real mom?

I'm feeling sad and lonely. Our jobs have at times made my heart feel full, but most of the time are REALLY stressful. Due to scheduling, I feel removed from the rest of our social life and am afraid of losing friends due to this long term.

This weekend I attended a friend's birthday party for her one year old. I was glad to go and more than happy to take pictures for her. What I didn't anticipate was that there would be like 10 other under two year olds and a few other kids and of course all of their "perfect" little mommies (and some dads). Everyone was really nice, but it was overwhelming. My husband and I first thought, oh no, this will be a long few hours of us -- the odd ones out -- surrounded by the mounds of happy little families. Thankfully, there was one other childless young couple. I hid behind my camera most of the time. It made me sad though. My heart aches. It's painfully obvious I'm not in the young mommies club and we still don't have our own family. It seems as if the hole might never be filled.

I'm holding onto the smallest crumbs of hope that this month might be the month, but I don't know why I put myself through it. It's just like any other month and I'll only be let down again. I walk around in fear that those close to me will announce they are pregnant or that people will hold it back from me. When can I be a real mom?  

Change

Huge job and life changes going on here!!! I can't share right now, although I wish I could. But want to let you know why I've been missing even though I can't give details. I still need my blogging community, but due to the busyness that change brings, I might not be around a whole lot in the next little while. I'll just have to see. I don't want to lose you all though. I haven't forgotten about you.
Love,
Your Infertile Bloggy Friend

Left out of the club I had wanted to join...

We spent last evening with 3 of my old roommates, their hubbies, and kids....lots of kids (6, with another on the way)! I enjoyed every moment holding the two babies and got a few wonderful smiles and giggles out of the one. After eating, the rest of the evening was spent deciding tomorrow's plans amongst themselves with the kids and watching them bathe 5 of the young-ins. I find conversation hard to initiate with so many little people around, maybe that's because I don't have kids and a "kid-brain or "pregnancy brain." I was coping quite well until it came time for some of them to leave and others to go to bed. There were the three moms instructing their freshly washed and pyjama-ed kids to say goodnight and give hugs to everyone ---kids, babies, and adults. It was kind of cute, but that's when my eyes fought back the tears because it was most apparent that I was the one left out. Oh, yes, they gave me, "auntie," a hug too, but that I wasn't in the "Mommy Club" with all the old roommates. I don't have a little one to care for that fills my world. No one noticed my eyes gloss over with tears. I just kept holding the youngest baby who was sleeping peacefully sprawled out in my lap. Not a proud mother am I. There was no one to call me mom or whose eyes lit up and heads turned at the sound of my voice. I was left out of the club I had wanted to join long before some of them even wished to belong!