BFN

BFN (Big Fat Negative) Again! :(

Yesterday's Whisper of Hope

Re: My Last Post
Continuation....
Yesterday morning while driving, I kept thinking about the thoughts from my last post. Basically, in my head, I was asking God to show me a sign of this hope and (in addition, wishfully, hoping for a sign of hope that I might be pregnant too, of course). You need to know I'm not the sort of person who asks for "signs" often. Anyhow...

Someone unexpected approached me today and handed me a book, on a hunch. She had covered the book to keep it private. The thoughts going around my head were, "I hope she doesn't think I'm pregnant and I'm about to open a book all about pregnancy. That would be just what I need!" (sacrasm)

I opened it puzzled...It was an infertility book! She said she had just finished reading it last night and found it really helpful as they've been dealing with IF. I couldn't believe it. I had never told her previously what we were dealing with. As soon as I started to speak, of course my eyes welled up. We exchanged a few IF facts and she talked more about the book. I thanked her so much for the book and said I really appreciated her approaching me to tell me this, because it often feels lonely. Although we don't know each other well, this has seemed to spark almost and instant connection that I hope will continue. (And it made my day!)

Driving later in the day, I got in the car to hear The David Crow.der Band's song, "Oh, How you Lov.e Me" (don't even know if that's the official title...but it's the chorus). Now it's not unusual that this might be playing on my CD because it is my favourite song on there. Love the lyrics! Speak love to my heart every time. Anyhow, I listened to it over and over again all the way home. I realized that my prayer from this morning - a sign of hope - had been answered by this person. It was a total God thing! While, I don't have exact words per say, I could just sense God speaking to my heart. I felt that I was being told I wasn't alone in this - due to God's presence and others walking the same path. It was such a blessing. This was a major thing for me. I've felt alone and God has felt distant, even though I KNOW he's always with me.

My husband could tell I was having a good day when I picked him up from work. I was, as he said, "radiant" (of course I thought...maybe I'm pregnant), but I guess he was just seeing the sparkle of hope God had "whispered" to me today. Thank you, God! My husband also pointed out that it was an answered prayer from like a month ago when I was feeling really lonely...I said, ya, God has answered that one more than once now.

May you hear God "whispering" hope to you in some little way, where ever you are in your journey.

He Can Whisper Hope into My Heart

I am feeling every little flutter and fluctuation in my body down there these day and get so hopeful this might be the month. Don't want to get ahead of myself. It becomes a one-more-week-wait tomorrow!


I was reading the passage about God showing Elijah his power and then passing by him with a "gentle whisper" (I Kings 19). I was reading this the other day at work. On the drive home, I had this sense that if God can speak to Elijah like that, He can whisper hope into my heart. (Also, hoping he has whispered a little one into being in me.)

Wanting to be hopeful, but at other moments, afraid to hope too much.
Need to try and trust.
~ Patiently Waiting

Waiting

Well, I had thought things were moving along quickly with this IUI, but it's slowed up now. I'm waiting for my estrogen to get high enough. Follicle and all else seems good though. Soon....soon!

My husband and I have both realized that we did not give enough credit to the hormones I've been taking. They totally mess me up!!! I have a meltdown and cry about anything and everything, no matter how stupid or small. I am definately not myself. It will be a relief when this round is over. I'm not sure how long I can handle this IF stuff. It is overwhelming. Thankfully the IUI will be before I head back to work full-time. I am hopeful, yet also afraid to be hopeful.

I have joined a forum that I know some of you know about, Hannah's Prayer. It has been a huge encouragement already to be connecting with others walking the same types of path we're on. It has been an answer to prayer.

I've started back to work part-time. It feels like it is going slowly (the hormones don't help). It does feel good to be a professional again though. Guess that means I'm ready to go back.

I've started doing a 365 days of photographs challenge. I'm taking a pic a day (well, more than one, but choosing the best one) and posting it on a blog I started. I'm almost a week in and it is great! The other day at work, I just couldn't wait to get home and take my pics for the day. It's something creative that will bring me hope and health. It's my creative side that gets swept under the rug with the stress of work. Besides simply nurturing my creative side, it will also improve my photography skills. I'm shooting my second offical wedding this summer. Got to keep learning! :)

Gearing Up for Another Round, Friends, & Peace

Well, I start my next round of shots tomorrow as we prepare for another IUI. Now that I know they can be cancelled part way through (like last time), it gives me one more thing to worry about. I was really eager to start this round earlier in the month, but my cycle took so long, even with medication to bring it on. So, now we're starting just when I have to start back to work part-time. I am still hoping we squeeze the actual IUI in before I head back to work full-time. That would just make everything so much easier and less stressful with arranging a supply teacher, etc.

The other night, I hung out with a friend while my husband went to play hockey with her husband. I so appreciated her listening ear and the questions she thoughtfully and caringly asked. At the end, she prayed for me - a real heartfelt prayer - and at the end asked God for healing. It was so meaningful and since then, I have received more peace. She truly showed God's love in a real, intentional, and focused way and was a shoulder to cry on that lonely me needed. She even cried with me, which means so much. Thank you.

I've just felt lonely of late - especially since my mom's visit. Yes, I have other family and friends who know and support me - one of my girlfriends has called at least every other day if not every day some days when I've been at my lowest. That has meant a lot too, because I know she is so busy with her own family with 3 little ones. Two of my co-workers have taken me out twice to hang out, which was so thoughtful. I guess I just feel lonely because I know all of these people care and understand, but they aren't walking in my shoes. I just wish I could connect with someone in real life - who is going through what we are right now. I haven't felt like calling people, but I do long to hang out with others. I just haven't had the energy to initiate social outings these last few months.

A book I wanted to mention that I have found helpful as I struggle through this journey is called H.annah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss, by Jennifer S.aake. I am almost finished it. The other day I was reading and came across one of the author's prayers that spoke to me as what I should be praying and seeking God for. There was also a poem by R.ussell K.elfer called Wait, that rang true as well. It has been an affirming and encouraging read on this journey. If you want to read the poem, you can find it online.

In other news, we spent a weekend away for our 4th anniversary. It was very nice to splurge a little on the hotel and relax. We checked out some of the local farmer's markets and bought a few things. We went to the theatre to see a play with my parents. 4 YEARS - WOW!

P.S. I've logged back in just to share a site that contains an infertility video I found that was created to help family and friends understand what the infertility journey is like. It was created by Susan Robinson. Check it out using this link. http://www.tearsandhope.com/

Artsy Corner - Bright and Cheery Quilts

I'm feeling a little crafty today (and I'm procrastinating doing house cleaning), so I thought I'd post some quilts that I've made. The first in one (blue and yellow with animals) I made for my nephew when he was born. The second one (triangles of bright colours) I finished last year and the third one (blue, green, and yellow with the giraffe) I am still in the process of quilting. My mother-in-law taught me how to quilt. While I've been off work, I've been working on this third one. I figure I might as well make some quilts for the babies I hope to have one day. (That's hopeful thinking - right!?!) I figure when I actually do have children, I won't have extra time to be quilting. They are bright and cheery quilts - which is what I need on days like today.

~ Patiently Waiting

Tired of Patiently Waiting

Well, the chairs didn't go quite as planned. We had hoped to get one totally finished, but ran into some trickier parts and ran out of time. They are definately improved for the better, even though they're far from useable yet. - A project to finish another day. We had a nice time together, mom and I.

I am dying to start this next IUI cycle! It seems like it is taking forever to get there. I wanted this cycle to be done before I head back to full time work. That would just make things easier and less stressful. (I also so badly wanted to be pregnant heading back to work.) While of course I know I'll hope - hope - hope this cycle will work this time, right now I don't feel so hopeful.

~ Tired of Patiently Waiting and tired of walking this often seemingly lonely path...