I'm feeling sad and lonely. Our jobs have at times made my heart feel full, but most of the time are REALLY stressful. Due to scheduling, I feel removed from the rest of our social life and am afraid of losing friends due to this long term.
This weekend I attended a friend's birthday party for her one year old. I was glad to go and more than happy to take pictures for her. What I didn't anticipate was that there would be like 10 other under two year olds and a few other kids and of course all of their "perfect" little mommies (and some dads). Everyone was really nice, but it was overwhelming. My husband and I first thought, oh no, this will be a long few hours of us -- the odd ones out -- surrounded by the mounds of happy little families. Thankfully, there was one other childless young couple. I hid behind my camera most of the time. It made me sad though. My heart aches. It's painfully obvious I'm not in the young mommies club and we still don't have our own family. It seems as if the hole might never be filled.
I'm holding onto the smallest crumbs of hope that this month might be the month, but I don't know why I put myself through it. It's just like any other month and I'll only be let down again. I walk around in fear that those close to me will announce they are pregnant or that people will hold it back from me. When can I be a real mom?
Oh, I know just how you feel to be hanging on by a thread. You can't let life pass you by but when you make the decision to participate in life it is just a painful reminder of what we don't have. I am always worried I will be caught staring at the mommies with eyes full of longing. I also hide I always make sure to over involve myself so nobody will notice me staring at their happy families!
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting on my blog. What are you doing now, since you are no longer teaching? I love teaching for now but I could see myself changing careers in the next couple of years.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I know what the pain is like - the birthday parties for my nephews and nieces and best friend's kids have always been so hard for me. Hugs!
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