Regarding the planned visit mentioned in my last post. Despite the fact I didn't think I could deal, I ended up saying I would go meet her. It turned out that there was too much snow so she didn't think we could meet up. There you go, all of that stressing about it for nothing.
Yesterday morning I was briefly online and a friend started chatting with me. She ends up telling me she is pregnant again. Their first child is just over 1 year old. Of course this upset me. I was expecting another announcement today from someone else, which never really came out in the open. So this is announcement #3 within about one month. I can't take this anymore. I really can't.
We heard a talk about conflict's place in our lives. It's there. Life isn't going to be easy. I've just hoped too much and can't let myself hope anymore.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
I don't have it in me...
I've been absent from the blogging world for a while again. Work has continued to be super stressful and exhausting. I hoped this new job would be less stressful than my old job -- what on earth was I thinking? It is so much more stressful and it feels like it puts us even further away from the pursuit of a baby.
I wondered a while ago if my friend was pregnant. I knew she was holding out on something and it turns out I'm right. However, I didn't find out about it straight from her! Another friend called me up to see how I was doing and if the first friend I had mentioned had called me. I had only spoken to this second friend a few days before so I thought it odd she had called back right away, because due to my work we don't talk that often. Anyhow, that day on the phone I couldn't straight out ask if the other friend was pregnant because I was dealing with a stressful situation at work, so I avoided asking. Then the next time we spoke, she asked again if my first friend had called. When I said, no, I flat out asked if the first friend was pregnant and it turns out she is. Then I got an email that night explaining that my friend was indeed pregnant. Not a phone call, but an email.
Of course it hurt. It hurt because we were supposed to have babies at the same stage. It hurt because I found out in a round about way instead of straight from her via the phone at least. I have sent a gift and card that said congrats because that was all I could do and an email. I couldn't call. I don't have the strength anymore. I used to be really tough and willing to do what was right, i.e. attend events for babies or young kids but since the last one year old birthday party I went to, I can't anymore. Everything I read says if you're infertile you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your heart so if you can't attend functions, so be it. However, I always chose to do what I know I should do.
To top if off, someone else I know who was struggling with infertility just told me she was pregnant. At least she contacted me to let me know before I found out through some other forum. While I'm truly glad for her, it still hurts, you know? It turns out both of these friends are due the same month.
I fear a third pregnancy update too. I think one is coming and I don't know how I can cope. Part of me just wants to stay inside and avoid these encounters and interactions.
I'm supposed to go and visit this first pregnant friend tomorrow. I almost told her I couldn't go, because I'm really not sure I can. I know it's the right thing to do and I always choose the "right thing to do," but I really DON'T want to this time. The years of infertility are scaring me for good, I'm afraid. I just don't have it in me --the energy or the hope to be able to deal.
I wondered a while ago if my friend was pregnant. I knew she was holding out on something and it turns out I'm right. However, I didn't find out about it straight from her! Another friend called me up to see how I was doing and if the first friend I had mentioned had called me. I had only spoken to this second friend a few days before so I thought it odd she had called back right away, because due to my work we don't talk that often. Anyhow, that day on the phone I couldn't straight out ask if the other friend was pregnant because I was dealing with a stressful situation at work, so I avoided asking. Then the next time we spoke, she asked again if my first friend had called. When I said, no, I flat out asked if the first friend was pregnant and it turns out she is. Then I got an email that night explaining that my friend was indeed pregnant. Not a phone call, but an email.
Of course it hurt. It hurt because we were supposed to have babies at the same stage. It hurt because I found out in a round about way instead of straight from her via the phone at least. I have sent a gift and card that said congrats because that was all I could do and an email. I couldn't call. I don't have the strength anymore. I used to be really tough and willing to do what was right, i.e. attend events for babies or young kids but since the last one year old birthday party I went to, I can't anymore. Everything I read says if you're infertile you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your heart so if you can't attend functions, so be it. However, I always chose to do what I know I should do.
To top if off, someone else I know who was struggling with infertility just told me she was pregnant. At least she contacted me to let me know before I found out through some other forum. While I'm truly glad for her, it still hurts, you know? It turns out both of these friends are due the same month.
I fear a third pregnancy update too. I think one is coming and I don't know how I can cope. Part of me just wants to stay inside and avoid these encounters and interactions.
I'm supposed to go and visit this first pregnant friend tomorrow. I almost told her I couldn't go, because I'm really not sure I can. I know it's the right thing to do and I always choose the "right thing to do," but I really DON'T want to this time. The years of infertility are scaring me for good, I'm afraid. I just don't have it in me --the energy or the hope to be able to deal.
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