I don't have it in me...

I've been absent from the blogging world for a while again. Work has continued to be super stressful and exhausting. I hoped this new job would be less stressful than my old job -- what on earth was I thinking? It is so much more stressful and it feels like it puts us even further away from the pursuit of a baby.
I wondered a while ago if my friend was pregnant. I knew she was holding out on something and it turns out I'm right. However, I didn't find out about it straight from her! Another friend called me up to see how I was doing and if the first friend I had mentioned had called me. I had only spoken to this second friend a few days before so I thought it odd she had called back right away, because due to my work we don't talk that often. Anyhow, that day on the phone I couldn't straight out ask if the other friend was pregnant because I was dealing with a stressful situation at work, so I avoided asking. Then the next time we spoke, she asked again if my first friend had called. When I said, no, I flat out asked if the first friend was pregnant and it turns out she is. Then I got an email that night explaining that my friend was indeed pregnant. Not a phone call, but an email.
Of course it hurt. It hurt because we were supposed to have babies at the same stage. It hurt because I found out in a round about way instead of straight from her via the phone at least. I have sent a gift and card that said congrats because that was all I could do and an email. I couldn't call. I don't have the strength anymore. I used to be really tough and willing to do what was right, i.e. attend events for babies or young kids but since the last one year old birthday party I went to, I can't anymore. Everything I read says if you're infertile you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your heart so if you can't attend functions, so be it. However, I always chose to do what I know I should do.
To top if off, someone else I know who was struggling with infertility just told me she was pregnant. At least she contacted me to let me know before I found out through some other forum. While I'm truly glad for her, it still hurts, you know? It turns out both of these friends are due the same month.
I fear a third pregnancy update too. I think one is coming and I don't know how I can cope. Part of me just wants to stay inside and avoid these encounters and interactions.
I'm supposed to go and visit this first pregnant friend tomorrow. I almost told her I couldn't go, because I'm really not sure I can. I know it's the right thing to do and I always choose the "right thing to do," but I really DON'T want to this time. The years of infertility are scaring me for good, I'm afraid. I just don't have it in me --the energy or the hope to be able to deal.