Moving Ahead....Adoption Course & Homestudy Started

We have completed our first 2 home visits (out of 5) and the first 2 (out of 9) sessions of a course we have to take in order to be approved for adoption. This is exciting now that we're finally active in the process, rather than simply waiting until our names reached the top of the list for the course.
At the same time we have been having lots of stress related to our jobs. I would appreciate prayers for that situation.
Our house has sold. While I am sad, because when we bought this house, we had planned to raise a family here, it is also relieving to have the stressor of a house almost gone. However, this leaves lots of unknowns in our lives (which is also hard).
My work schedule has made it hard for me to keep updated on here and at times when I do have time, I feel I have nothing to share that isn't depressing. I miss you - my blog friends. Longing to connect with others out there.  

IUIs done

Well, we tried another two IUI cycles this year. The first one was negative and the second one got cancelled because my body wasn't responding properly and the folicle was growing very slowly and then started to shrink. I was very devestated because that was our last one we had agreed to try. I couldn't go back to work that day.
We are now taking the course we need to take in order to adopt, which is exciting...a new journey.

Another IUI on the Horizon...

I've got one follicle growing still and am due to have another IUI likely in a few days. We've taken  a year off since our last tries with follitropin injections. The emotional rollercoaster was too much. We did 3 IUIs in the past and one other cycle that failed. I want to be hopeful. It is is hard. My husband is trying to be extra hopeful these days.
Last Sunday, we were encouraged to write down something we knew we should give to God. I wrote down "my infertility". This is a constant battle for me as it constantly weighs on me and I need to learn to daily give it to God. I want to be okay with whatever He has for my future...but I want to have children so badly. How do I get to that place of being content no matter what happens in terms of my fertility? I trust God, but how do I TRUST GOD fully???

Starting up and getting shot down....

I've waited a year to start up IUIs again. Yesterday I went for my appointment to get my meds. and start injections only to find out that we can't do anything this cycle. I have a cyst on my right ovary now too and the doctor said ovaries are like real estate, so the spot is already taken up and there is no point in doing a round this month. My left ovary is occupied by a dermoid cyst and has been since I started treatment, so it's out of the running as usual. I am so disappointed. I cried and cried last night after work. I'm so low. Now I have to wait over another month (since my cycles are so stinking long!). I have been waiting to start things up again just to feel that we're trying with some, even the smallest amount of hope. Now I will fear every time that I might have a cyst come out of nowhere that will halt the whole thing. Hopefully it's gone next cycle, but I'm afraid what if it isn't. I can't wait forever!

Artsy Corner: To Brighten Your Day

Thanks, Noelle, for your encouragement on yesterday's post. That next comment labelled "anonymous" was from my husband. What a cutie. He saw me working on my blog and wanted to comment too. :)

Today I have something a little brighter to share. I was feeling crafty and decided to experiment with some flowers made of twisted scraps of fabric. Here is the result.

Another Year....31 Now

Well, I've done it. I've been a part of the blogging world for over a year now, although I haven't written as much as I'd like to. When I look back at my most recent posts, they are depressing and it's a wonder anyone wants to read them. Sorry. So, thanks to those that have stuck by me or joined me on my not so joyous journey of late. I've felt I don't have much to say other then depressing things and besides that, my job is my life right now, and due to confidentiality, I can't talk about that either.
To add to that, I have a confession to make, I'm no longer 30 and Patiently Waiting. Sadly, I'm 31 and Impatiently STILL Waiting (and Feeling Hopeless). 
I've hit a low time in my life again. I seem to get down in the winter months. When I feel depressed, I feel it stems back to my infertility and desperate desire to have children to call our own. We are considering starting fertility treatments up again as it's been about a year since we did our last IUI. However, I'm afraid I won't cope well with my stressful 3 weeks of the month live-in job plus the injectable hormones. I just really want to be trying again. We are going to make a few changes some within our job and I hope these will help me cope better with daily life and allow me to start fertility treatments again.
Thanks again to those who have stuck by me and commented on my posts. The changes that have occurred in our lives over these last 6 months have left me feeling more alone and more separated from friends and with feeling depressed, I'm not in the mood to reach out.

Another Announcement Out of the Blue

Regarding the planned visit mentioned in my last post. Despite the fact I didn't think I could deal, I ended up saying I would go meet her. It turned out that there was too much snow so she didn't think we could meet up. There you go, all of that stressing about it for nothing.
Yesterday morning I was briefly online and a friend started chatting with me. She ends up telling me she is pregnant again. Their first child is just over 1 year old. Of course this upset me. I was expecting another announcement today from someone else, which never really came out in the open. So this is announcement #3 within about one month. I can't take this anymore. I really can't.
We heard a talk about conflict's place in our lives. It's there. Life isn't going to be easy. I've just hoped too much and can't let myself hope anymore.

I don't have it in me...

I've been absent from the blogging world for a while again. Work has continued to be super stressful and exhausting. I hoped this new job would be less stressful than my old job -- what on earth was I thinking? It is so much more stressful and it feels like it puts us even further away from the pursuit of a baby.
I wondered a while ago if my friend was pregnant. I knew she was holding out on something and it turns out I'm right. However, I didn't find out about it straight from her! Another friend called me up to see how I was doing and if the first friend I had mentioned had called me. I had only spoken to this second friend a few days before so I thought it odd she had called back right away, because due to my work we don't talk that often. Anyhow, that day on the phone I couldn't straight out ask if the other friend was pregnant because I was dealing with a stressful situation at work, so I avoided asking. Then the next time we spoke, she asked again if my first friend had called. When I said, no, I flat out asked if the first friend was pregnant and it turns out she is. Then I got an email that night explaining that my friend was indeed pregnant. Not a phone call, but an email.
Of course it hurt. It hurt because we were supposed to have babies at the same stage. It hurt because I found out in a round about way instead of straight from her via the phone at least. I have sent a gift and card that said congrats because that was all I could do and an email. I couldn't call. I don't have the strength anymore. I used to be really tough and willing to do what was right, i.e. attend events for babies or young kids but since the last one year old birthday party I went to, I can't anymore. Everything I read says if you're infertile you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your heart so if you can't attend functions, so be it. However, I always chose to do what I know I should do.
To top if off, someone else I know who was struggling with infertility just told me she was pregnant. At least she contacted me to let me know before I found out through some other forum. While I'm truly glad for her, it still hurts, you know? It turns out both of these friends are due the same month.
I fear a third pregnancy update too. I think one is coming and I don't know how I can cope. Part of me just wants to stay inside and avoid these encounters and interactions.
I'm supposed to go and visit this first pregnant friend tomorrow. I almost told her I couldn't go, because I'm really not sure I can. I know it's the right thing to do and I always choose the "right thing to do," but I really DON'T want to this time. The years of infertility are scaring me for good, I'm afraid. I just don't have it in me --the energy or the hope to be able to deal.