Pat on the Back for Me

I didn't mention in the last post that I went to the naturopath the other day. I thought it would just be an info. gathering and giving session, but I had my first accupuncture session! Eeekkk! It's supposed to help relieve stress, but I'm not sure it's going to.
There I was laying there, eyes tightly shut, afraid to see the needles sticking out of me. Afraid I might panic if I did. I did eventually see them. She put the first one between my eyes, which did not help relieve my stress then in my ears (those were the worst) and my head and then everywhere else. The 12 minutes she left me in the room alone for felt the longest 12 minutes of my life! Then she came in to twist them.
It's hard not to panic when all you can think about is the needles stuck in you and then there is lame soothing music playing in the background and you're super uncomforable on a hard doctor's table, but afraid to move too much in case you hit the needles.
Anyhow, I survived. I know logically it wasn't that bad pain wise or anything. It is in my head, I know. I shall consider long and hard whether to keep going with this. I was mostly excited about the advice about what to eat and what to avoid to improve the problems she saw (the energy in my kidneys - I guess they basically had no pulse). Who knows?!?
I may psych myself up for one more try in order to hear her advice about food and herbs, etc.
It was a pretty big step for me. I hadn't even been sure walking into that appointment that I'd even do accupuncture at all, PERIOD!, and somehow I got up on that table!
Pat on the back for me. :)

Feeling Hopeless and Pathetic

I met someone recently for whom it took 12 years to have her first child. I know another couple for whom it took 9 years. While stories like these give hope, it makes me terrified because I don't know how I could ever handle 9 or 12 years. I'm not sure how I'll make it through the next months or year without a child!!! Today, I'm feeling it. Tears come on too easily, not just tears but hopeless, pathetic cries with questions that can't be answered.
What are we going to do? How can we have a child? How will I make it through years of this? What if we don't ever become parents? What if our arms and home are empty forever? I can't take it! If I knew there was an end to it, it might feel bearable, but how can I cope?
Feeling helpless, lost, broken, empty, and alone...

Seeking the Natural Route...

I've made the decision. I'm going to an acupuncture and herbal clinic tomorrow. We'll see what she has to say. Any words of wisdom from those who have walked this path? (I'm really not sure about the acupuncture part!!! Eeekkk!!)
IVF seems to be the next step and we don't feel ready to do that now, if ever. We will see. I'm afraid to go for IVF and yet afraid to say no to the option forever; so, I'll just say no for now. I am ready to see the clinic again though just so they can check on me.
I've been on a break, but am ready to try something...ANYTHING really. Something is better than nothing.
This last while has been hard ---stressful ups and downs about the details of work for next year. It seems it is finally decided that I'm not moving grades after all. There have been too many balls up in the air these last months. I just want life to be normal (settled, predictable) yet at the same time I want an adventure (like a trip)...something to take my mind off of the fact that I don't have a child and may not for years, or maybe never. I'm always waiting for "tomorrow." What if that tomorrow never comes?

Baby Talk....(No, I'm NOT pregnant!)

Wedding showers/Bachelorette parties have lots of baby talk. That's what I've discovered. While only half of the people there had children, the constant referals to their kids, being moms, future kids, fertility, etc. abounded! Somehow I managed, though I did think I may take an extra trip to the bathroom if this continues just to breath some non-fertility related air. Joking about how "sexy pink" underwear can make you fertile isn't that funny now that I'm in the inferility boat. People don't have a clue. Anyhow, thankfully two of my best friends were there and I know that inside they "get it" as much as someone can who isn't going through this trial exactly.

To top it off, someone then commented on a photo I posted online from the event, wondering if I was pregnant in a code sort of way. Uh no, just fat. It was an honest mistake, our names were similar and she was wondering who the shower was for. I rectified that right away. It didn't break my heart, it some way, I just took it as a "it figures" sort of thing. I guess, maybe I'm understanding of people's perspectives and don't take everything to heart. Does that make sense?

It has been interesting how each of the three (two other friends and myself) of us have had our own trials these last few years. Although all three are completely different -- infertility, divorce, and a baby with a rare genetic disorder -- the paths somehow are similar. It's about expectations that aren't/weren't met and finding a "new normal" though we wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's about learning to worship God even in the midst of heartache and pain. Still figuring out how to do that one. It's hard.

 

Disappointment Surrounds

It's decided. We aren't moving this summer. It had all still been up in the air. The one hope of selling dropped off. They didn't come to look at the house tonight. While I know our place is great for us, I'm disappointed. REALLY disappointed. It's complex. Partially, I wanted a change. I wanted to start over....a new community, new friends, new job, new focus instead of infertility, new city, and to be closer to family. We don't regret the house choice we made here several years ago, it's just that so much has been up in the air and has had us questioning whether now was the time to move or not. Apparently not. It just feels like one more loss. Can't have a baby and can't move right now either. Why did we have the desire in our hearts to move to begin with? Why did so many things seem to open up for possibilities, yet not really in the end? What was the point?
That's how I'm feeling tonight...
I also had to hide some of the pregnancy blogs on my blog reading list. I'm finding it hard to see the contast updates and reminders that I'm not on that path too. I'm sure I might check them once in a while, but on my terms, when I can handle it. Fa.cebook might as well be Pregnancybook. The only reason I really want to stay on there is to see pics of my nephew who lives far away.
Thanks for treading through my grumbling and sadness.