Desperate Cries

I said to my husband yesterday in the midst of tears and heartbreak, "I just want a normal life." (I meant in reference to a family with our own biological children and have normal jobs.) He said, "Whose "normal" life do you want...?" and he proceeded to list lives of others we know who have had their own heartbreaks, although not on the infertility path. I know it's true, everyone has their own trials and hardships.
My new job has not filled the void I had hoped it would. At least it could add a soothing balm to the pain of infertility as in a way, I am a "mom" in my role in my new job, but most of the time it does not. My husband pointed out that it may make the longing more severe.
It just feels like the path of infertility will never end. I need hope.
I'm in the waiting period, not actively trying any medical route. Although now that I've been there a while, I wish I was actively pursing it, as miserable as all of the hormones were, at least I felt looked after, at least I felt as if we had a chance with treatment, at least I felt like I belonged somewhere, even if it was the infertility needle-poking club, at least I felt under the doctor's watchful eye. At least there was something physically to do like drive to countless doctor's appointments. I don't even feel like I belong in the infertility club anymore. I feel alone.
I'm afraid that even if we do get kids one day long down the road, I'll still feel alone. I'm afraid that I'll never share the experience of having children along side my good friends and siblings.
Because of my job change I even feel distant from the blogging world and a real-life infertile co-worker I used to work with.
Thanks for reading my desperate cries.

When can I be a real mom?

I'm feeling sad and lonely. Our jobs have at times made my heart feel full, but most of the time are REALLY stressful. Due to scheduling, I feel removed from the rest of our social life and am afraid of losing friends due to this long term.

This weekend I attended a friend's birthday party for her one year old. I was glad to go and more than happy to take pictures for her. What I didn't anticipate was that there would be like 10 other under two year olds and a few other kids and of course all of their "perfect" little mommies (and some dads). Everyone was really nice, but it was overwhelming. My husband and I first thought, oh no, this will be a long few hours of us -- the odd ones out -- surrounded by the mounds of happy little families. Thankfully, there was one other childless young couple. I hid behind my camera most of the time. It made me sad though. My heart aches. It's painfully obvious I'm not in the young mommies club and we still don't have our own family. It seems as if the hole might never be filled.

I'm holding onto the smallest crumbs of hope that this month might be the month, but I don't know why I put myself through it. It's just like any other month and I'll only be let down again. I walk around in fear that those close to me will announce they are pregnant or that people will hold it back from me. When can I be a real mom?  

Change

Huge job and life changes going on here!!! I can't share right now, although I wish I could. But want to let you know why I've been missing even though I can't give details. I still need my blogging community, but due to the busyness that change brings, I might not be around a whole lot in the next little while. I'll just have to see. I don't want to lose you all though. I haven't forgotten about you.
Love,
Your Infertile Bloggy Friend

Left out of the club I had wanted to join...

We spent last evening with 3 of my old roommates, their hubbies, and kids....lots of kids (6, with another on the way)! I enjoyed every moment holding the two babies and got a few wonderful smiles and giggles out of the one. After eating, the rest of the evening was spent deciding tomorrow's plans amongst themselves with the kids and watching them bathe 5 of the young-ins. I find conversation hard to initiate with so many little people around, maybe that's because I don't have kids and a "kid-brain or "pregnancy brain." I was coping quite well until it came time for some of them to leave and others to go to bed. There were the three moms instructing their freshly washed and pyjama-ed kids to say goodnight and give hugs to everyone ---kids, babies, and adults. It was kind of cute, but that's when my eyes fought back the tears because it was most apparent that I was the one left out. Oh, yes, they gave me, "auntie," a hug too, but that I wasn't in the "Mommy Club" with all the old roommates. I don't have a little one to care for that fills my world. No one noticed my eyes gloss over with tears. I just kept holding the youngest baby who was sleeping peacefully sprawled out in my lap. Not a proud mother am I. There was no one to call me mom or whose eyes lit up and heads turned at the sound of my voice. I was left out of the club I had wanted to join long before some of them even wished to belong!

Pat on the Back for Me

I didn't mention in the last post that I went to the naturopath the other day. I thought it would just be an info. gathering and giving session, but I had my first accupuncture session! Eeekkk! It's supposed to help relieve stress, but I'm not sure it's going to.
There I was laying there, eyes tightly shut, afraid to see the needles sticking out of me. Afraid I might panic if I did. I did eventually see them. She put the first one between my eyes, which did not help relieve my stress then in my ears (those were the worst) and my head and then everywhere else. The 12 minutes she left me in the room alone for felt the longest 12 minutes of my life! Then she came in to twist them.
It's hard not to panic when all you can think about is the needles stuck in you and then there is lame soothing music playing in the background and you're super uncomforable on a hard doctor's table, but afraid to move too much in case you hit the needles.
Anyhow, I survived. I know logically it wasn't that bad pain wise or anything. It is in my head, I know. I shall consider long and hard whether to keep going with this. I was mostly excited about the advice about what to eat and what to avoid to improve the problems she saw (the energy in my kidneys - I guess they basically had no pulse). Who knows?!?
I may psych myself up for one more try in order to hear her advice about food and herbs, etc.
It was a pretty big step for me. I hadn't even been sure walking into that appointment that I'd even do accupuncture at all, PERIOD!, and somehow I got up on that table!
Pat on the back for me. :)

Feeling Hopeless and Pathetic

I met someone recently for whom it took 12 years to have her first child. I know another couple for whom it took 9 years. While stories like these give hope, it makes me terrified because I don't know how I could ever handle 9 or 12 years. I'm not sure how I'll make it through the next months or year without a child!!! Today, I'm feeling it. Tears come on too easily, not just tears but hopeless, pathetic cries with questions that can't be answered.
What are we going to do? How can we have a child? How will I make it through years of this? What if we don't ever become parents? What if our arms and home are empty forever? I can't take it! If I knew there was an end to it, it might feel bearable, but how can I cope?
Feeling helpless, lost, broken, empty, and alone...

Seeking the Natural Route...

I've made the decision. I'm going to an acupuncture and herbal clinic tomorrow. We'll see what she has to say. Any words of wisdom from those who have walked this path? (I'm really not sure about the acupuncture part!!! Eeekkk!!)
IVF seems to be the next step and we don't feel ready to do that now, if ever. We will see. I'm afraid to go for IVF and yet afraid to say no to the option forever; so, I'll just say no for now. I am ready to see the clinic again though just so they can check on me.
I've been on a break, but am ready to try something...ANYTHING really. Something is better than nothing.
This last while has been hard ---stressful ups and downs about the details of work for next year. It seems it is finally decided that I'm not moving grades after all. There have been too many balls up in the air these last months. I just want life to be normal (settled, predictable) yet at the same time I want an adventure (like a trip)...something to take my mind off of the fact that I don't have a child and may not for years, or maybe never. I'm always waiting for "tomorrow." What if that tomorrow never comes?

Baby Talk....(No, I'm NOT pregnant!)

Wedding showers/Bachelorette parties have lots of baby talk. That's what I've discovered. While only half of the people there had children, the constant referals to their kids, being moms, future kids, fertility, etc. abounded! Somehow I managed, though I did think I may take an extra trip to the bathroom if this continues just to breath some non-fertility related air. Joking about how "sexy pink" underwear can make you fertile isn't that funny now that I'm in the inferility boat. People don't have a clue. Anyhow, thankfully two of my best friends were there and I know that inside they "get it" as much as someone can who isn't going through this trial exactly.

To top it off, someone then commented on a photo I posted online from the event, wondering if I was pregnant in a code sort of way. Uh no, just fat. It was an honest mistake, our names were similar and she was wondering who the shower was for. I rectified that right away. It didn't break my heart, it some way, I just took it as a "it figures" sort of thing. I guess, maybe I'm understanding of people's perspectives and don't take everything to heart. Does that make sense?

It has been interesting how each of the three (two other friends and myself) of us have had our own trials these last few years. Although all three are completely different -- infertility, divorce, and a baby with a rare genetic disorder -- the paths somehow are similar. It's about expectations that aren't/weren't met and finding a "new normal" though we wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's about learning to worship God even in the midst of heartache and pain. Still figuring out how to do that one. It's hard.

 

Disappointment Surrounds

It's decided. We aren't moving this summer. It had all still been up in the air. The one hope of selling dropped off. They didn't come to look at the house tonight. While I know our place is great for us, I'm disappointed. REALLY disappointed. It's complex. Partially, I wanted a change. I wanted to start over....a new community, new friends, new job, new focus instead of infertility, new city, and to be closer to family. We don't regret the house choice we made here several years ago, it's just that so much has been up in the air and has had us questioning whether now was the time to move or not. Apparently not. It just feels like one more loss. Can't have a baby and can't move right now either. Why did we have the desire in our hearts to move to begin with? Why did so many things seem to open up for possibilities, yet not really in the end? What was the point?
That's how I'm feeling tonight...
I also had to hide some of the pregnancy blogs on my blog reading list. I'm finding it hard to see the contast updates and reminders that I'm not on that path too. I'm sure I might check them once in a while, but on my terms, when I can handle it. Fa.cebook might as well be Pregnancybook. The only reason I really want to stay on there is to see pics of my nephew who lives far away.
Thanks for treading through my grumbling and sadness.

I feel lonely...

I feel lonely. We were outside watering our garden and our new neighbours have friends over and they're having a good time in their backyard. I can hear them conversing. It makes me sad that we rarely have company. That is partially to the fact that I'm so stressed out a lot (and have been down this year) and I'm the social coordinator in our family. Our friends have children so that changes the gatherings. It is easier for us to go to their houses than them to come here. If they do come here, the night is shortened to take the kids home to bed. Another reminder that we have no kids.
I wrote the above part of this post last night and didn't get a chance to finish it.
Today my husband said to me that we need to get to know more people and make more friends and really establish roots if we are going to stay here.
I got a job offer last week. It was going to be the job that allowed us to move closer to family; however, what they had told me I'd make in the interview was not at all what they were financially able to offer me when they called and offered me the job. Their hands were tied by the board. Anyhow, that made the decision easy...that job was not for me. They could only propose to pay me for 1/2 of the years experience I have. It just didn't make sense considering my husband doesn't have a job there yet either. We had asked God to make it clear, and he did indeed! The job interview experience is always good. I find it energizing for the most part. I was honoured to have been offered the job anyhow.
I should go for now...

"God in my weeping...God in my healing..."

I recommend that you all look it up the song by Tim Hughes called "Everything." It moves me every time.

It talks about God being our everything. (Sounds simple, right?)

The lines that speaks to me most goes as follows:

God in my hoping

There in my dreaming

God in my watching

God in my waiting

God in my laughing

There in my weeping

God in my hurting

God in my healing

I can barely sing through this part of the song even though I want to. It brings me to tears and while I mouth the words and my heart is singing, my voice pratically disappears..... God in my hoping....dreaming....watching....WAITING.....God in my laughing....weeping....hurting....HEALING.

May it be a blessing, encouragement and prayer your heart may also sing even if your lips can't audibly say the words. God is with us through all of our fertility hopes, dreams, waiting, hurts, tears, and healings.
He is God!

Questions Upon Questions

So much feels up in the air about our lives right now. I've been through so much this year already; I don't know if more change is good or bad, but it's overwhelming. At times it's exciting and other times sad and scarey.
Anyhow, we need to make a decision about next steps for IF treatments. IVF is the next step, but we're not sure. I am mostly concerned about the hormonal/emotional effects, since I didn't cope well on Puregon injectables for IUIs. Is IVF worse? I figure it has to be because you get pumped full of even more hormones. Anyone with experience out there to help me?
I'm also worried about the stress of it all. It feels so BIG!
Then there is the question of whether to freeze embryos or take the less successful rate of freezing eggs instead. Ahhh?
Also, when to do it? I'm just afraid to move on without trying everything we can, yet so afraid to do IVF too. It's not like a medical treatment that is critical to my survival, because in that case, it would just be decided by all involved that I should do it. It just seems so scarey to sign up for something like that willingly. You know what I mean?
And these are only my questions about IF and not everything else in my life right now.
It's so overwhelming!
God, we need direction, please!!! Some questions have to be answered. I can't handle questions on top of questions about EVERYTHING in my life!

BFN

BFN (Big Fat Negative) Again! :(

Yesterday's Whisper of Hope

Re: My Last Post
Continuation....
Yesterday morning while driving, I kept thinking about the thoughts from my last post. Basically, in my head, I was asking God to show me a sign of this hope and (in addition, wishfully, hoping for a sign of hope that I might be pregnant too, of course). You need to know I'm not the sort of person who asks for "signs" often. Anyhow...

Someone unexpected approached me today and handed me a book, on a hunch. She had covered the book to keep it private. The thoughts going around my head were, "I hope she doesn't think I'm pregnant and I'm about to open a book all about pregnancy. That would be just what I need!" (sacrasm)

I opened it puzzled...It was an infertility book! She said she had just finished reading it last night and found it really helpful as they've been dealing with IF. I couldn't believe it. I had never told her previously what we were dealing with. As soon as I started to speak, of course my eyes welled up. We exchanged a few IF facts and she talked more about the book. I thanked her so much for the book and said I really appreciated her approaching me to tell me this, because it often feels lonely. Although we don't know each other well, this has seemed to spark almost and instant connection that I hope will continue. (And it made my day!)

Driving later in the day, I got in the car to hear The David Crow.der Band's song, "Oh, How you Lov.e Me" (don't even know if that's the official title...but it's the chorus). Now it's not unusual that this might be playing on my CD because it is my favourite song on there. Love the lyrics! Speak love to my heart every time. Anyhow, I listened to it over and over again all the way home. I realized that my prayer from this morning - a sign of hope - had been answered by this person. It was a total God thing! While, I don't have exact words per say, I could just sense God speaking to my heart. I felt that I was being told I wasn't alone in this - due to God's presence and others walking the same path. It was such a blessing. This was a major thing for me. I've felt alone and God has felt distant, even though I KNOW he's always with me.

My husband could tell I was having a good day when I picked him up from work. I was, as he said, "radiant" (of course I thought...maybe I'm pregnant), but I guess he was just seeing the sparkle of hope God had "whispered" to me today. Thank you, God! My husband also pointed out that it was an answered prayer from like a month ago when I was feeling really lonely...I said, ya, God has answered that one more than once now.

May you hear God "whispering" hope to you in some little way, where ever you are in your journey.

He Can Whisper Hope into My Heart

I am feeling every little flutter and fluctuation in my body down there these day and get so hopeful this might be the month. Don't want to get ahead of myself. It becomes a one-more-week-wait tomorrow!


I was reading the passage about God showing Elijah his power and then passing by him with a "gentle whisper" (I Kings 19). I was reading this the other day at work. On the drive home, I had this sense that if God can speak to Elijah like that, He can whisper hope into my heart. (Also, hoping he has whispered a little one into being in me.)

Wanting to be hopeful, but at other moments, afraid to hope too much.
Need to try and trust.
~ Patiently Waiting

Waiting

Well, I had thought things were moving along quickly with this IUI, but it's slowed up now. I'm waiting for my estrogen to get high enough. Follicle and all else seems good though. Soon....soon!

My husband and I have both realized that we did not give enough credit to the hormones I've been taking. They totally mess me up!!! I have a meltdown and cry about anything and everything, no matter how stupid or small. I am definately not myself. It will be a relief when this round is over. I'm not sure how long I can handle this IF stuff. It is overwhelming. Thankfully the IUI will be before I head back to work full-time. I am hopeful, yet also afraid to be hopeful.

I have joined a forum that I know some of you know about, Hannah's Prayer. It has been a huge encouragement already to be connecting with others walking the same types of path we're on. It has been an answer to prayer.

I've started back to work part-time. It feels like it is going slowly (the hormones don't help). It does feel good to be a professional again though. Guess that means I'm ready to go back.

I've started doing a 365 days of photographs challenge. I'm taking a pic a day (well, more than one, but choosing the best one) and posting it on a blog I started. I'm almost a week in and it is great! The other day at work, I just couldn't wait to get home and take my pics for the day. It's something creative that will bring me hope and health. It's my creative side that gets swept under the rug with the stress of work. Besides simply nurturing my creative side, it will also improve my photography skills. I'm shooting my second offical wedding this summer. Got to keep learning! :)

Gearing Up for Another Round, Friends, & Peace

Well, I start my next round of shots tomorrow as we prepare for another IUI. Now that I know they can be cancelled part way through (like last time), it gives me one more thing to worry about. I was really eager to start this round earlier in the month, but my cycle took so long, even with medication to bring it on. So, now we're starting just when I have to start back to work part-time. I am still hoping we squeeze the actual IUI in before I head back to work full-time. That would just make everything so much easier and less stressful with arranging a supply teacher, etc.

The other night, I hung out with a friend while my husband went to play hockey with her husband. I so appreciated her listening ear and the questions she thoughtfully and caringly asked. At the end, she prayed for me - a real heartfelt prayer - and at the end asked God for healing. It was so meaningful and since then, I have received more peace. She truly showed God's love in a real, intentional, and focused way and was a shoulder to cry on that lonely me needed. She even cried with me, which means so much. Thank you.

I've just felt lonely of late - especially since my mom's visit. Yes, I have other family and friends who know and support me - one of my girlfriends has called at least every other day if not every day some days when I've been at my lowest. That has meant a lot too, because I know she is so busy with her own family with 3 little ones. Two of my co-workers have taken me out twice to hang out, which was so thoughtful. I guess I just feel lonely because I know all of these people care and understand, but they aren't walking in my shoes. I just wish I could connect with someone in real life - who is going through what we are right now. I haven't felt like calling people, but I do long to hang out with others. I just haven't had the energy to initiate social outings these last few months.

A book I wanted to mention that I have found helpful as I struggle through this journey is called H.annah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss, by Jennifer S.aake. I am almost finished it. The other day I was reading and came across one of the author's prayers that spoke to me as what I should be praying and seeking God for. There was also a poem by R.ussell K.elfer called Wait, that rang true as well. It has been an affirming and encouraging read on this journey. If you want to read the poem, you can find it online.

In other news, we spent a weekend away for our 4th anniversary. It was very nice to splurge a little on the hotel and relax. We checked out some of the local farmer's markets and bought a few things. We went to the theatre to see a play with my parents. 4 YEARS - WOW!

P.S. I've logged back in just to share a site that contains an infertility video I found that was created to help family and friends understand what the infertility journey is like. It was created by Susan Robinson. Check it out using this link. http://www.tearsandhope.com/

Artsy Corner - Bright and Cheery Quilts

I'm feeling a little crafty today (and I'm procrastinating doing house cleaning), so I thought I'd post some quilts that I've made. The first in one (blue and yellow with animals) I made for my nephew when he was born. The second one (triangles of bright colours) I finished last year and the third one (blue, green, and yellow with the giraffe) I am still in the process of quilting. My mother-in-law taught me how to quilt. While I've been off work, I've been working on this third one. I figure I might as well make some quilts for the babies I hope to have one day. (That's hopeful thinking - right!?!) I figure when I actually do have children, I won't have extra time to be quilting. They are bright and cheery quilts - which is what I need on days like today.

~ Patiently Waiting

Tired of Patiently Waiting

Well, the chairs didn't go quite as planned. We had hoped to get one totally finished, but ran into some trickier parts and ran out of time. They are definately improved for the better, even though they're far from useable yet. - A project to finish another day. We had a nice time together, mom and I.

I am dying to start this next IUI cycle! It seems like it is taking forever to get there. I wanted this cycle to be done before I head back to full time work. That would just make things easier and less stressful. (I also so badly wanted to be pregnant heading back to work.) While of course I know I'll hope - hope - hope this cycle will work this time, right now I don't feel so hopeful.

~ Tired of Patiently Waiting and tired of walking this often seemingly lonely path...

A Project to Take My Mind Off of TTC

My mom called yesterday and came for a 3 day last minute visit! This is great! We have started a project.

My husband and I picked up two unique looking chairs at the side of the road one day almost 3 years ago. They are so cool! I'll try to add a picture here. One was ripped apart and the other was still in its original condition; however, the legs were painted green and the seats were a turquoise vinyl - believe it or not! Anyhow we've started them and I hope by the end of the day I'll have a new picture to put up here of one of them finished.

Yippie....only 3 years later! (I bought all the stuff to reupholster them last year and am glad to be using it before the fabric I chose goes out of style.) Thankfully, someone had started to rip one of them apart so it saved us some work! Talk about staples!!!

Before -

I don't mind the green on the legs, but with turquoise???

Check back later to see the finished product!

~ Patiently Waiting

Happy 101 Award

Thanks to Beckie at Beckie's Infertility Journey, I've been given the Happy 101 Award. I'm supposed to list 10 things that make my day and pass the award onto 10 people. However, I'm not too sure how to pass it on, but I'll try.

10 things that make my day:
1. A chai tea latte
2. Having a clean and tidy office - or any room in the house
3. A phone call from my 3 year old nephew, who after leaving a message says she's not home, but I'll call my uncle (who shares the same phone # as me). :)
4. Snow Days - unexpected days off of work
5. Seeing new flowers come up in the garden or observing my houseplants have grown
6. Having a good deep-hearted laugh
7. Listening to music and belting it out while driving by myself on the highway
8. Mail - I love getting snail mail and now lately, blog comments
9. Eating dinner out with my husband
10. Spending time with my nieces or nephew

I think I've figured it out how to pass it on...
People I'd like to pass the award onto are:
1. Rebekah at Heart Cries
2. Michelle at Bloggin INSTYLE
3. Tori at Fertility Wishes and BFP Dreams
4. Noelle at the Desire of My Heart
5. Babies Everywhere...But None That Call Me Mama
6. A + B, Waiting for C
7. Esperanza at A Tale (of the trials and tribulations) of Trying
8. Hillary at Making Me Mom

I'm afraid I'm a new blogger, so I only have 8 people to pass it onto.

~ PatientlyWaiting

Thinking Ahead...

Well, yesterday I went swimming for my workout then my friend and I decided to stay for auqua fit, which was funny and great! I feel proud of myself - just have to drag myself back to the gym this afternoon too.

We saw our doctor this week and decided to take one more try at an IUI before I go back to full-time work. Then I think we'll take a little break until the summer then either more IUIs or move onto IVF (possibly?). In the meantime, we're really going to try to eat healthier and exercise more. We've read protein is important for PCOS so I've been eating nuts regularly and having a boiled egg, yogurt with fruit, and veggies for lunches this week. Trying to start good habits. Trying to avoid: sugar, other white stuff, less carbs - like bread, and junk food.

I will start back to half-time work in later this month and full time next month. I'm nervous about going back because I don't know what to tell people when approached with questions about my time off or how I'm doing. I think I'll have to be proactive and make a good statement to the staff so I don't get asked lots of individual questions from people even though I know they'll be from concerned people. The staff knows that I'm dealing with infertility, but not the rest of the community. I also don't know what to tell my students. They are old enough you can't just slip stuff over their heads without questions be asked. Hmmm...I've got a little more time to be comfortable with that one. I feel a little more relieved to have a date I'm going back as I was dreading having those conversations with my boss.

Now, I just need to continue getting well....in so many ways!
I'm dying to get this IUI process started this month!

Has anyone heard of the magazine "Creating Families" (Canadian Magazine of Reproductive Health) through IAAC? I have been able to pick them up at our clinic and they have had encouraging and useful articles in there for people dealing with IF. Check out the resource online if you like.

Longing and Longing and Begging...

I held a friend's newborn baby last night. He is so beautiful and tiny! While I am glad for them and thankful he's here and healthy, I struggle with thoughts of why they have been given 4 children and I'm just dying for 1. I think it makes it harder that a lot of people I know who are younger than me have "full families" already by my age or younger. (I know, we're a family already, just the two of us - and our two international university students that live with us.) With big smiles, I have referred to them as "our kids" before even though they are adults. :) We do treat them like family, though.

In some respects, I am starting to feel a little better than I was a month ago. It just depends on the day. (I guess I'm also not hopped up on crazy hormones right now either.) I still have a long way to grow though. We meet with our doctor this week to talk about what is next.

I just came back from the gym. I had been generally doing 2 workouts a week and now I'm going to try for 3 plus walks on other days. It's good once I get there and I always feel better, but it's just hard to get there sometimes. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Since being off work, I have began to enjoy cooking. It's been a long time since I could say that. I've tried 11 recipes now from the "Crazy Plates" cookbook. I've really enjoyed it. I've even made lists of things for recipes I need when I go shopping, which I never do! Imagine that! Anyhow...that's brought some joy to my days.

I just wanted to say thanks to my first commenter and follower! :) Your comment brightened my day.

Although lots of people I'm close to know what we're going through, I'm not comfortable with posting my blog to everyone I know, so I am hopeful to meet some fellow bloggers who know what I'm going through and maybe I can even encourage someone else in their walk.
Still longing...somewhat patiently today, at least.
~ Patiently Waiting

First Blog Entry...Not So Patiently Waiting

Well, I'm tired of this infertility journey. Can it be over? Isn't almost 3 years of "the journey" enough!!! Please?!? Rather than growing from this experience, I feel like I'm shrinking. We've done Clomid 6 or 7 rounds, 2 IUIs and began the third, but that round got cancelled since my body wasn't responding well to the meds. We may try one more IUI before moving on. So, we've attended our first IVF info. session. That has given us things to process through before we make that decision. I felt like I was back in a biology lecture.
I think we will struggle through trying to change lifestyle habits - work on changing eating habits to help the PCOS and maybe help me begin to ovulate regularly. Any good suggestions out there for fertility-related diets? We have one book we're going to work through and see. If I could lose some weight, I know that might help too. It's just hard when you're so down - you know?
Anyhow. This is my first blog ... I feel like I'm really putting myself out there, although I know I haven't said much yet. I just long to connect with other bloggers out there who know what I'm going through. I long to be a mother so badly. I've titled my blog "30 and Patiently Waiting to Be a Mommy" - although, I'm not feeling patient...I figured it would be a good reminder to me that it's not in my hands (although I sure wish it was!) and I just have to trust and wait.